


home sweet home.

by chabkyun



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Pining, canonverse, the true story of what happened before the jealousy comeback
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-20
Updated: 2018-08-20
Packaged: 2019-06-30 01:09:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15741054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chabkyun/pseuds/chabkyun
Summary: he felt his own mind getting dizzier with time, hyungwon’s presence feeling like home. but not a home that you would come every day and enjoy its peace - the kind of home you wished to build. because that small moment gave changkyun a sense that he wasn’t able to reach in any way, nor was allowed to. it all felt as a trial for a game you wouldn’t be able to ever play because it was never going to be produced. felt like a dream that at any moment would start slipping from his memories and his mind to lose space for the consciousness of life.





	home sweet home.

**Author's Note:**

> listen to !!! home sweet home by car, the garden its the tru mvp of this fic  
> also tweet me if you find any mistakes at @chabkyun

hyungwon’s fingers were sore from dragging its pale skin against the street walls, slowly ripping the tip and leaving bruise marks. his mind hadn’t a single moment to slow down since the promotions had started, and he decided to return to his old habits and go for a walk by himself.

before debuting and even a few months after, he had the habit of going out to have a moment for himself. he was always the kind of person that had too much on his mind, and the routine of exhausting himself and getting lost deep in thought before going back home and finally falling asleep was his best tactic. until he started feeling too lazy to do so, too comfortable mingling his body to his member’s to watch movies in their free time, too safe in his room.

but hyungwon was another person now. his mind was full of distress, and he feel like bottling it up any longer would cause too much damage to his mind. he was always the rational type, so when he noticed that he was in a fragile spirit he traced back to his past in search of a way to deal with everything. maybe his insecurities before debuting were another - fear of not getting into the cut, being disposed of. of losing all the money invested into him becoming an idol. his worries definitely changed since that, but the root would always be the same - wandering about his place in the universe. his place among his friends, family, and now his fans life.  so he decided to go back to one of his favorites moments of the old days, expecting it would work just as it used to do.

his body felt heavy. he was really tired and had walked too long lost in thought. now that hyungwon had to go all the way back to the dorm, carrying the weight of his nearly unconscious body for what would be another kilometer, he wondered why healthy coping mechanisms cost so much effort.

the known path towards the dorm made itself in almost a blur, his mind too tired to capture every second - but also tired enough so he wouldn’t overthink anything. when he finally got to their building, he sloppily pressed the password and dragged himself to the elevator. he missed the key a few times trying to stick it to open the door, but when he finally entered the familiar place his body started to fall into pieces.

dropping everything without care on the floor and taking shoes without even opening his eyes, hyungwon made his way to the kitchen as silently as he could. it was already past three am, so all the members were probably asleep trying to get few hours of sleep before waking up at five and dragging their soulless bodies to the early pre-recordings. he drank a glass of water, trying to keep himself from sleeping at the kitchen balcony.

when he made his way to the living room, he found an awake changkyun sitting on the couch, small notebook on his thighs and a pen in hands. he scribbled a whole sentence and whispered something almost inaudible that hyungwon supposed was a hey.

a weird shiver went through hyungwon’s body, as the older hadn’t spent any time near the other since things started to get awkward between them. hyungwon had no idea what happened, but changkyun - that was just starting to open his heart to him and make him feel like a true older brother for the first time - started to back off from him and avoid his company. his heart ached with the thoughts that started to emerge on his mind.

trying to show that nothing changed, hyungwon decided to make company to the other by sitting at his side. he leaned into changkyun’s direction and asked, low enough so no one else in the dorm would wake up from their noises.

“what are you doing alone here?” he whispered, and the other remained motionless.

“writing lyrics” changkyun’s pen scribbled a whole sentence again, but hyungwon’s tired eyes and lack of glasses made it impossible for the older to read anything that could possibly be there before.

“aren’t you going to sleep?”

the youngest allow a short, pained sigh leave his mouth before answering.

“i can’t, i’ve tried. the best i can do is to be productive.”

hyungwon worried whether that was all, but he also knew better than pushing the other into answering anything. it was like trying to steal food from a cat, hissing any time you made an abrupt move and showing you its claws whenever you got too close. but in this scenario, changkyun’s thoughts were harder to get in touch than stealing anything from a cat. you should either wait for him to tell you or figure it out by yourself.

and as hyungwon always said, he was a rational one. his ability wasn’t reading people at all.

hyungwon decided that the best he could do at that moment would probably stay there for the other. he leaned onto changkyun’s small frame, resting his head in the younger’s shoulders and finding space to hold the other’s waist. he felt the faint fragrance of changkyun’s perfume, almost vanishing to his natural smell. the sweet tones of coffee he could feel indicated that the other had drunk not long ago at least a cup of the warm drink, and hyungwon let a small laugh slip from his mouth.

“you can’t sleep, yet you drink more coffee so it gets even harder. you’re a bitch to understand, maknae.”

changkyun’s rigid body gave in a little, allowing space for what hyungwon heard as a smile softening his words.

“touché, mom.”

still with eyes closed, hyungwon traced paths with his sleepy fingers onto changkyun’s back, trying to sign the other that he was safe around him. the younger didn’t seem to get visibly more comfortable, but he could feel the other’s hands putting a lock of pink hair behind hyungwon’s ears, changkyun’s delicate fingers briefly touching the older’s cheeks, tracing a small pattern with his long nails that made the other shiver.

he wanted to tell changkyun he missed that kind of intimate moments they used to share before everything going downhill. hyungwon never knew what was that really happened, but the younger’s presence had always soothed his heart and kept him calm. the silent company of the other whenever they went out to eat something, leaning more towards the comfortable silence than the frantic chat that the table always felt whenever the others were together. the rare but long hugs that he sometimes had the honor to receive from the other, given the fact that changkyun was always the kind of person to be alone and distant.

but hyungwon, despite not being the best person when the matter was people, wasn’t dumb. he still wasn’t sure why, but all those feelings felt so deeply wrong that he refrained himself to any comment that could cause a burden to changkyun’s heart as well. because hyungwon knew how it felt to live a life of nonstop overthinking and knew how prone changkyun was to getting stuck to things that aren’t doing fine. hyungwon wanted to be a friend to him in a way that his chest pinched hard, and he couldn’t describe further the feeling without getting a headache.

changkyun set his notebook aside after a long time of him tapping the tip of the pen rhythmically, and hyungwon felt how hesitant the other was to move. maybe he thought that hyungwon was already asleep, given the fact that the older didn’t bother to either move or open his eyes since he found a comfortable spot beside the other.

and if hyungwon asked for who-knows-who that is in charge of the universe that he could have him back - god, did he just want him ‘back’? did hyungwon just want that? - no one could possibly know, because that thought was lost both in his silence and both in the deep sleep he found himself into a few moments later.

 

changkyun moved slightly, trying to get more comfortable in his position, and he played in silence with hyungwon’s hair strands for few moments. consciousness had already been gone from hyungwon when the younger decided to stop, traveling his eyes through the soft features of the older. he refrained the urge to touch hyungwon’s soft cheekbones, to trace a pattern from his soft nose to his plump lips, to not stare long enough. the other was already deeply asleep when changkyun felt his heart ache in this kind of pain that he wasn’t used to dealing daily.

at that fraction of moment, where hyungwon leaned in changkyun’s body, retracting his body and looking so vulnerable and small, the younger could listen to the rhythm of his beating heart. and it had a sour, painful taste to him.

he felt his own mind getting dizzier with time, hyungwon’s presence feeling like home. but not a home that you would come every day and enjoy its peace - the kind of home you wished to build. because that small moment gave changkyun a sense that he wasn’t able to reach in any way, nor was allowed to. it all felt as a trial for a game you wouldn’t be able to ever play because it was never going to be produced. felt like a dream that at any moment would start slipping from his memories and his mind to lose space for the consciousness of life.

and changkyun had spent that whole night writing lyrics that no one knew where did the youngest get the inspiration for such pained words and pretty metaphors. and if hyungwon ever noticed anything, maybe he wasn’t ready to acknowledge. because when the sunlight danced through hyungwon’s asleep features before the others started to wake up and changkyun had the spectacle all for himself, that was the small secret he’d share to no one.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you enjoyed the suffering as much as i did writing it


End file.
